Sometimes we say things thinking we mean well, but do we really? When you advise on your partner’s attire, or suggest your child comb her hair, is it truly their best interest you have at heart? Or might you be reacting to how you think it all reflects on YOU?
In her Wall Street Journal article “Which Clothes Make the Man?”, Cathy Bernstein examines how couples interact on sartorial choices and what motivations really lie behind the opinions. She looks at how couples change over time. Two common trends: early efforts to “look nice” for the partner give way to comfort/laziness over time; and women think they know more than men about fashion and rarely appreciate criticism from mates on clothing choices.
While thinking about how we dress or ask others to dress can be humorous (and useful for promoting peace in the household!), we are interested in the larger communication issue: why so often we fail to say what we really mean, and toask for what we truly want? If we feel more attracted to our partner when they look a certain way, or experience that wearing sloppy or dirty clothes makes us feel like they don’t care what we think, why don’t we say that?
What if instead of complaining or saying “you’re wearing THAT?”… if you tried saying, “Honey, when we plan a night out on the town, part of how I feel special is by dolling myself up and I’d really appreciate it if you could put in a special effort too” or “I feel silly being dressed up when you are so casual. Can we treat it like a special night tonight and you wear something nicer? It would really make a difference for me”?
These honest and direct requests are the kind of communication marital therapists recommend for getting what you want from your partner. And even if they say no or refuse, at least you came right out and asked instead of hiding your feelings or just hoping they figure it out for themselves!
How do you handle communication when you want something in your life or with your partner to shift? Do you tend to make requests? Drop hints? Complain?? Let us know what works (or doesn’t!) in your life!
Want to read the article? Click here:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB20001424052748704584804575644641915790062.html
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