I guess it’s how you define the ALL in “having it all.”  Some days, I’m ok that my “all” includes awareness of the things I’m sacrificing and not doing.  That is, I have it all and having it all is not non-controversial!  Other days, I am dissatisfied with this “all” I have mapped out for myself, because I feel I’m wasting parts of my talent or not being productive enough or inadequately balancing the competing demands.

Wouldn’t it be nice, in all those years of schooling we got as kids, if there was just a little more education on how to accept tradeoffs inherent in the decisions we make?  I mean, even if you get accepted to 5 great colleges or receive half a dozen fantastic job offers, you still have to CHOOSE.  And that still leaves most of us, who are equipped with standard human brains, somewhat pining for the ones that got away.

That’s a lot of why I began doing this work, to help us restless old humans stop raining on the parade of a good choice with all that inner dialog about everything else that could be better.  It’s also why I love tapas style restaurants– you get to order so many things instead of choosing just one!

How do you approach tradeoffs and choices?  Do you feel like you “have it all”?  Or thing there is no such thing?

Join us for a GLOW workshop to explore fun ways to live your life more powerfully!

With all the stress of the economy and cultural pressures, it can seem harder now than ever to stay objective about our thoughts and reactions.

But here’s the cool tip:  understanding that just because these things HAPPEN (we react, flush, feel irritated, or have thoughts of guilt or self-beratement or “shoulds”)… doesn’t make those thoughts REAL or SIGNIFICANT.  Your body sweats to cool itself.  It doesn’t care whether the flush of heat came from embarrassment or suddenly entering a steam room! Sweat itself does not have to be a trigger for fear or shame, even if in the moment your perspiration broke out you know you were facing a challenge.

Whatever thought or reaction you have just had, you have 100% choice about what you do next. Whether your kids dragged their feet and made you late again, or you said you wouldn’t eat the cake and then you did, or your mother just eyeballed your holiday outfit with what you perceive as disdain, you DON’T have to react with that initial response!

See if you can watch that thought or feeling happen, and then watch it recede.  Can you be a scientist with yourself?  Two huge benefits accrue:  first, by engaging the observer energy, you rob the “reactor” of the energy that usually leads you to lash out, beat yourself up, etc.

Secondly, by exercising control over yourself AND seeing that in the space of observation you really do have some time and choice… you actually are toning and strengthening your ability to stay centered and grounded.

Feeling happy is a choice, and it doesn’t always just happen.  But people who are able to maintain equilibrium in the face of stress, not surprisingly, feel a greater sense of control over what happens to them and thus show up in the happiness research as having a greater level of satisfaction and enjoyment  then those buffeted more by circumstance.

Consider how stress and unpleasant feelings affect you.  Does your way of managing these things increase your sense of control and satisfaction with yourself?  Or is this a muscle where you could use some “toning up”?

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So many of us these days are caught up in society’s preoccupation with youth and denying our aging process in every possible way.  So we sweat, inject, dye, and otherwise mold ourselves to race in the direction we think we need to go.

Yet, how many of us would want to go backward in what we know?  Particularly, in how we understand ourselves and appreciate what we truly value?  And how does rejecting ourselves physically as we age jive with the pleasure and appreciation we feel from reflecting on the lives we have built and the results we have sown from our choices?  We say we want to be happy, yet our concerns about this one area rob almost every woman I know of some of her happiness almost every day.

Isn’t it time for some new choices?  Can we celebrate ourselves and understand that, like wine, we mellow, deepen, and increase in value as we age?

It’s time for Spring cleaning.  As you consider emptying your closet of the things you no longer need or wear, try emptying your mind of the judgements and “shoulds” that dim your joy in truly being who you are, where you are, right now in your life.  The days may start to feel a whole lot sunnier!

Affordability has to do with what something costs relative to the amount that you are willing/able to pay.

So in considering a choice or a change, ask yourself whether you can afford it in terms of 1) money, 2) emotional costs, 3) time commitment required.

Once you think through the amount of money something will cost (or money you have to give up for the new choice, such as quitting a job you don’t like), AND the emotional costs (such as managing the uncertainty or rejection you might feel in the face of others who think you are nuts for leaving your job!), and finally, the time commitment (hours you will have to spend looking for a new job, or cleaning your house if you can no longer pay someone else to do it, etc)… you may find a surprising sense of peace and clarity as to whether the choice makes sense for you or not.

The keys to choosing wisely with this system:

1)  Making sure you think through both what you will be taking on and what you will be giving up in making the choice, so you are powerfully related to the reality of the implications.

2) Operating from YOUR personal framework on what you are willing and able to “afford” on each of the dimensions.  While your husband or sister might have no problem eliminating retail purchases for a month to save money, or allocating an hour an evening to web research supporting the new move, YOU may not!

In making choices, as everywhere in your life, remember that you will reap the greatest sense of satisfaction and reward when you keep your own values in mind and progress on the path that fits YOU!

A muffin top or addiction to reality tv may be flaws you discuss with others, but are they really that big a deal?  What about the underlying issues or aspects of yourself that might REALLY be responsible… like believing you are lazy, or deserving of punishment, or racked by insecurity?  True or not (and usually NOT, or not nearly as much as we fear about ourselves!), these may be flaws you are almost unwilling to admit to yourself let alone discuss with someone else!

In fact, you may be exaggerating feelings of shame or worthlessness by NOT acknowledging the deeper issue.  Research suggests that “shedding light” on a normally hidden or ignored aspect of one’s self can be a pivotal tool for diminishing the feeling and the self judgement. Being willing to even open the door diminishes the guilt we layer on top of concerns that makes them loom so large.

With women in particular, we find that most of the time the friend we open up to shares much of our same insecurity!  Also, your sharing creates an environment of trust and comfort, providing your friend with the opportunity to explore or share in ways she may have felt constrained from doing before you spoke up and broke the ice.

So what have you got to lose?  A big pile of self loathing that leads you to procrastinate, over eat, or just feel grumpy??  Grab a piece of paper right now and write down the 5 BIG things you really don’t like about yourself, and then go out there and see how much debunking and support is really available!

After that, have some fun with the flip side exercise… really considering the 5 best things about who you are as a person!  People that love you want to hear about those for sure, and probably will have some traits to add!

New York Times columnist David Brooks takes issue with author Amy Chua (Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom) who denies her kids the “coddling” of playdates in favor or strict emphasis on studying and piano practice. Quite the opposite is true, says Brooks in his column “Amy Chua is a Wimp”.  He writes:

“Managing status rivalries, negotiating group dynamics, understanding social norms, navigating the distinction between self and group — these and other social tests impose cognitive demands that blow away any intense tutoring session or a class at Yale.”

Chua’s book has raised emotions in everyone who has read it.  What is a parent’s role?  On which aspects of development can a parent have most effect and which are most useful and important to try to influence?  Do you think the child’s discipline, body of knowledge, and regard for authority reign supreme?  Or is it equally or more important to shepherd children’s social development and facility at functioning within a peer group?

We know you are having this conversation in your home and with your friends and neighbors… please share your thoughts and reactions with us!

If you like, you can read more about Brooks’ view here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/18/opinion/18brooks.html?_r=1&ref=davidbrooks

Like it or not, when coming from fear we are present mostly to negatives:  what can go wrong; the downside of actions or circumstances; a feeling of “high stakes” about what we are doing.  When coming from faith, on the other hand, a sense of calmness and clarity is present.  Without the static of worry, we can take action with optimism, purpose, and a clear sense of vision.

Author Cheney Moldano recently wrote an eye-opening article on fear and faith, and how attention to either inevitably shapes our actions and what we get in life.  He points out that what we fear, we often act to avoid.  Yet by dedicating much of our action and attention to what we DON’T want, the presence of that undesirable thing looms large!  Faith, he writes:

“…is the opposite of fear. It is a deep knowing that something is true although there may not be physical evidence or a way to prove it to others. It is beyond positive thinking. Faith carries action. If you truly believed that you were going to move, wouldn’t you start packing? If you truly believed that your significant other loves you, and you love them, wouldn’t you trust them?
Faith will guide your life, rather than control it (as fear can). Faith builds your confidence. If you walk in to an interview knowing that you will be hired, and if not the right job for you will come along, your confidence will be evident. Fear will take away from your confidence and cause doubts. Faith will encourage you to move forward.”

Which would you rather be driven by?

We are not saying it is easy; we do believe it is an effort well worth drawing from yourself.  As you practice shedding fear, seeing it but letting it go and then acting as if you will get what you want, you may surprise yourself with how free and powerful you feel, how much happiness you gain, and how much more your energy will bring you what you truly desire in your life.

Try it!  And let us know how your experience goes…

Read Moldano’s whole article here:

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/faith-vs-fear-which-one-is-winning-in-your-life.html

Consider the recent uproar over author and law professor Amy Chua’s book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.”   She says she was writing a memoir, offering an individual’s experience of anguish whether her traditional Chinese parenting approach was as effective as it could be and the judgments she had against the more lax Western models.

The reaction publicly was first a “15 minutes of fame” kind of suggestion that the book proffered the newest aha in parenting philosophy.  That was quickly followed by outrage at the extreme approach taken by Chua and backlash that anyone would acclaim this book as a how-to rather than a how-not-to guide.  Finally we began to hear more from Chua herself, arguing that she never meant her book as self help but only as one mom’s personal reflections on the experience of parenting and the self-doubt that seems a requisite accompaniment.

Whether her spoken words are the truth, or just her own backpedaling in reaction to the public’s outcry, we don’t and won’t know.  Yet isn’t this really ALWAYS the case… we say or write things and others hear from within their own framework, beliefs, distractions etc.  And our listening is always shaped by our preconceived thoughts and current circumstances.

So what’s a gal to do?  Well, of course choose our words with care and attention.  And perhaps before we speak or write, take a few extra moments for self reflection… the clearer we are on what we are trying to communicate, the more likely we are to pick the words that make it easier for others to grasp our intended meaning.  Then after we speak, how about some extra patience for the listener(s)?  Checking in to see if what they got is what we meant?  And really observing their reactions to tell us whether the communication was received as intended or if further speaking on your part may be required?

Remember that it never hurts to grant others grace.  They will always be responsible for their own experience and what they take away from an interaction with you or someone else.  What you want them to get may be less important to them than what they choose to get!  By the same token, their “misperception” may yield back to you insight and value beyond what you ever saw for yourself… if you can be open to it.

What do you think about the power of words?  Have you had any experiences as the speaker or listener where you have been frustrated by the other person’s failure to grasp your meaning?  Or a lesson learned from having to work harder to ensure your communication is what you truly intend?

Let us hear from you!

In our last post we said we would be providing you with ideas for developing personal mantras according to your own challenges, talents, and ideas for turbo charging yourself!

Remember, effective mantras are short, positive, directive, and energetic.  One strategy is to stick with pairing a verb with an adjective or noun related to your desired feeling or end result.  Verbs get your blood and energy moving and nouns and adjectives tell you how to harness that impulse.  You might string two sets of verb/noun or verb/adjective together to tap into two dimensions of a challenge or opportunity.

Some verbs to consider:  be, think, live, feel, act, hold, embrace, notice, see, realize, honor, allow, explore.

And adjectives:  strong, fast, calm, fluid, present, powerful, flexible, capable, open, focused.

Or nouns: love, peace, tenacity, equanimity, control, patience, victory, possibility, change

You may need to play around a bit to find what really works for you.  Maybe “Be present, Feel equanimity” helps you stay calm when under stress.  Or maybe you are more of a “Be Powerful, Feel In Control” kind of person.  Or you may prefer a more developed but still short and actionable statement, like “Stand in Power” or “Breathe in Patience” or “Patience now, Play later.”

In my life, I know I have many blessings yet am not immune from complaining about things that really aren’t that big of a deal.  So I’m playing with a mantra to use in the face of these petty complaints.  Don’t feel like going to they gym? Or playing yet another round of Monopoly with my daughter?  I say to myself “Because I Can!” and count my blessings.  Ok, it doesn’t work every time but I’m still practicing!

Let us know what you come up with and what works for you!